"The breath is a bridge between the body and the mind, and it’s always right here, right now."

~ Baba Ram Dass

Tools

My toolset for supporting your path to safety and wholeness.

Internal Family Systems

Learn more about what IFS has to offer.

Psychedelics

Learn more about psychedelics and how to prepare, move through adverse experiences, and integrate properly.

Breathwork & TRE

Tools for alleviating anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms.

Polyvagal Theory

Learn more about how the nervous system works to cultivate more regulation and emotional safety in the body.

"In all chaos, there is a cosmos, in all disorder, a secret order."

~ Carl Jung

"Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries."

~ Carl Jung

My Journey

As a childhood trauma survivor, my healing journey has been an intricate tapestry woven over more than a decade of self-discovery and healing, the first half of which I did mostly alone due to an inability to feel safe, accept outside help, or feel seen. I didn't remember any of my trauma at this point (2018-21yrs old) and believed there was nothing that wrong with me; therefore, I didn't really need help and everyone else was wrong or delusional. Looking back, they were right that I needed help - but wrong in using shame & guilt as motivators). At the time, neither I, nor they, understood why I kept falling into such deep pits of inaction, despair, shame and apathy. They were trying to help but I was toxic, enraged, and ready to explode like a pressure cooker that got left on the stove for a week. I was so lost and didn't trust anyone due to the Trauma stored in my body (which had been suppressed for 14 years). The suppression of these emotions created such severe energetic blockages that I started getting rashes, chest pains, IBS, and a debilitating sharp pain in my groin due to lack of self care, malnutrition & hypertension. My trauma, and even more than the trauma itself, the impact of never speaking about/integrating it due to feeling a lack of connection/safety in my home, was devastating to my mind & body - the fallout forced me to develop a toxic super ego that wasn't allowing me to fully relax my body nor connect with or express my authentic Self. I constantly felt a weight in my chest, always feeling a desperate need to hold together a lattice of lies or a superficial image of how I thought I needed to act to be accepted - I was stuck in a hypervigilant (sympathetic) state of arousal and couldn't get out of fight or flight. This led to me relying on others for validation, fearing being rejected, having a deathly fear that all my friends hated me + only pretended to like me, projecting my insecurities onto others, impulsive lying for no reason, and casually labeling uncontrollable events outside of myself as the main cause of my suffering. Eventually it all added up and I began to only feel a back and forth of tired, numb and furious at life for the cards it dealt me and then at my parents for not meeting my emotional needs therefore not feeling safe to go to them when I needed them most. I became a full blown raging alcoholic at this point and I remember not feeling any sense of accomplishment or joy in my hobbies anymore; couldn't function at work or enjoy socializing without alcohol, and eventually chose to self isolate as to not burden people with my presence, or to avoid being ridiculed, until I began having suicidal ideations. I was suffering deeply and felt like there was no hope of ever feeling anything good again. I had forgotten what "good" felt like and couldn't get back into a balanced/calm state no matter what I tried. I'd already spent years trying different SSRIs, trying to eat healthier, exercise, quit weed, create a routine, keep a job, etc... I even tried finding ways of bribing myself into action. I'd use nicotine to wake up/calm anxiety throughout the day (that backfired, eventually increasing my anxiety), tried rewarding myself with treats/gifts/weed, anything to force me out of bed and get some kind of momentum going, but I just kept taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back, 3 steps forward, 5 steps back. Then, one day I got access to some MDMA. This was my first true experience with a hallucinogenic/entheogenic compound and it was utterly life changing. I was fully opened back up to the joy/love/fondness I had for others as a child, effortlessly making conversation, being goofy, and felt like I experienced my true self in all it's glory. I felt I'd learned hundreds of potent life lessons in 5 hours all while having an amazing time at a Canada Day party - it was heaven. The lessons I learned were about true connection/trust and how important it is to foster it in order to find genuine safety and comfort in a relationship - this was something I hadn't fully grasped yet. My child parts had been exiled for years, and they didn't get a chance to develop in the light of my consciousness as I aged, causing them to become enraged by being ignored or abused and left behind in my subconscious to rot, alone. I had developed strange speech patterns, social anxiety, awkward breathing patterns/movements/ways of expressing myself, depression, self loathing, etc., all stemming from a lack of feeling accepted in childhood and, therefore, having a desperate need to control how I moved/talked/looked in order to be accepted/worthy of existing. I didn't feel capable of expressing my authentic self, cultivating trust, or being honest because I had developed a part of me which learned that my feelings didn't matter to other people, that it was pointless to be myself if no one ever accepted me - so I learned to pretend not to care about anything (as a protective mechanism to avoid being hurt again). On the comedown of this MDMA trip I became hyper-aware of this part of me and how it'd been sabotaging my life but instead of seeing it as a part, I saw it as ME. I became extremely hyper-critical of my mistakes/attitude towards life in adolescence and had zero compassion for myself, no grace, or understanding about where that energy came from (I was still dissociated from the memory of my childhood trauma). I saw all of my faults & lies clear as day due to how different my life/sober state of consciousness was vs the MDMA version of me. Thoughts like "I'm a fraud, a nobody, a failure, a disgrace, a loser, a psychopath, a junky, a liar, a leech, etc, etc, etc." echoed in my head for weeks. This was extremely painful and difficult to integrate without a professional or a guide to help me advocate for myself/push back against my out of control inner critic. I believe this experience ended up delaying my healing process in the long run by damaging my overall perspective of myself, but at the time, it may have been a necessary smack from the universe - a redirective awakening of sorts - but it wasn't ideal by any means, and it's now a part of my mission to help others avoid that level of self hatred if possible. Although it wasn't a proper use of the drug - this experience did still give me some hope, which led me to seek out magic mushrooms for deeper healing purposes and less of a comedown in the days after. For the next 3 years, I went on to experiment with and study psychedelics, yogic practices, as well as listen to thousands of hours of esoteric teachings from gurus, poets, and psychologists such as Ram Dass, Terrence McKenna, Alan Watts, Carl Jung & Rumi. These out of body experiences and profound collections of esoteric wisdom opened my mind to new perspectives and facilitated deep emotional releases - some of which were blissful beyond words, and some of which I wasn't prepared for at all, causing me to go in and out of psychosis for months at a time. I became stuck in this toxic, obsessive, endless loop of ruminating "what ifs" and got stuck "chasing the dragon" (chasing a past experience). I eventually began to realize that the epiphanies and insights I was making weren't sticking, and my mental health was rapidly declining, so I finally decided to get some professional help. With the help of my Aunt, Heidi, and many hours of youtube videos on therapeutic models, I eventually found an amazing Somatic Experiencing/IFS therapist named Alex Green (Owner of Red Beard Somatic Therapy). For over a year I saw Alex weekly or bi-weekly, and received genuine 1:1 trauma integration which helped me cultivate a better understanding of how the nervous system functions, how it supports my state of mind, as well as how my subconscious patterns and common themes play out ("Parts"). This work spurred a number of other epiphanies & beautiful healing experiences such as: Ketamine therapy, properly microdosing Psilocybin, establishing secure boundaries, working with another IFS therapist named Ashley White (Nova Phoenix Counseling) to connect more with my feminine energy and continue to unburden/hold space for some of my gnarlier parts, learning conscious connected breathwork from a wonderful coach named Jack Bunce, building a strong relationship with my Grandmother, and truly reconnecting with my Self & other men in nature/community at an amazing Men's retreat. I found that I was not alone in my suffering & that there are some truly wonderful people out there who are genuine and not afraid to show that they care. These experiences have shown me how to, not only cope with, but truly understand and accept the intricate layers of my trauma and I am now able to navigate the complexities of my experiences with so much more compassion, patience, and grace while also being able to consistently regulate my nervous system, on my own, for the first time in my entire life.

A powerful truth I've discovered:

The body is a divine compass and it loves us more than anything or anyone ever can or will. Our job is only to listen to it's subtle queues, care for it with good nutrition, sleep, ample time in community/nature and to continue practicing these powerful regulation tools when needed. Everything we could ever want or need will manifest from the energy we cultivate within ourselves.

This transformative path has not only fostered resilience within me but has also gifted me with a unique sense of empathy and understanding for others in pain. I now find joy & elation in holding space for those who seek healing, offering a compassionate ear and a safe haven where they can explore their own journeys. My experiences have instilled in me a passion for helping others, guiding them toward their own paths of recovery and self-acceptance. I am truly grateful to "be here now".

I likely wouldn't be here without the love & guidance from my family, my friends, psychedelics, my therapists, my support groups, my cats, cannabis, nature, the sun, water, oxygen, and delicious food - for all of this, I am eternally grateful.

My only wish now is to live my life to it's fullest extent while helping to guide as many as I can to a place of wholeness, self acceptance and authenticity; as my guides have done for me.

Thank you for your presence here and I look forward to hearing about your journey as well!

~ Coop